Introduction
This is not a chronological account so much as it is an attempt to honor major themes which have emerged throughout my journey with God.
Early Church Experiences; Enter the Jew and the Horse
I was born, baptized and confirmed into the Lutheran Church. During my teen years, I continued going to church with my mother. I was an enthusiastic, young budding Bible scholar during this time. I have a picture of myself along with another young woman with whom I tied in a competition for the best rendition of this or that Bible story or principle. I also remember a Lutheran pastor in a church we were going to in Van Nuys taking me aside and encouraging me to speak in tongues. We were siting in a pew together, and I remember his rattling off what sounded like garble to me. He encouraged me to speak like he did. I felt goaded to imitate him which I did. This seemed to satisfy his desire that I demonstrate the same ability to speak in tongues that he had. Later, as the reader will see below, I got the gift of tongues out of the blue from God without any coercing from clergy.
My church going experience through my twenties/thirties was spotty as I stretched my intellectual abilities through bachelor’s, master’s and Ph.d work. Though the fields in which I studied were unrelated to theology, I was able to develop my skill at thinking and analyzing information. Through it all, God still had his grip on me which he planted in me as a young person. I joined Campus Crusade for Christ during my bachelor’s degree work at UCLA and at first was very enthusiastic about its prospects of bringing people to God.. However, I became very uncomfortable with what I ended up doing which was to walk up to strangers for the purpose of introducing them to Jesus. It wasn’t just that; the unexpressed mssion was to convince them to believe in him. I am of the opinion and always have been that people must come to him by choice not force. I would rather be approached than approach.
During my Ph.d work in Cleveland, Ohio, I remember going to a big, beautiful, old Lutheran church. My rebellious and borderline rude self showed up here when I walked out of a group meeting called by the pastor to explore interests and direction. I remember feeling bored and frustrated. Surfacing were trends in my being and behavior which would shape my spiritual life for years to come.This is an unwillingness to conform just for the sake of it.
I have from the get-go been sensitive to the underlying currents of human interaction and have sought truth in everything I do. This urge, if you will, has found expression in challenging the status quo or accepted norms that are actually hurtful. For example, I have found myself confronting pastors who make derogatory or uninformed remarks about animals from the pulpit. The most recent example of this is when I spoke to a pastor after service who degraded pigs during his sermon by saying how smelly they were. I forget what biblical principle he was trying to illustrate when he said this. I let him know that I care for pigs and that when their living areas are kept clean, they don’t smell at all. I told him that the smell he was talking about was coming from the stench of human sin. This stench was being projected onto these innocent animals who became scapegoats for human laziness, disgust, or disregard.
The Jew and the Horse
Running parallel and intertwined with my church experiences were simultaneous attractions to the horse and the Jewish people. These attractions were crucial to my direct experience of God along with my involvement in the church. Both the Jew and the horse were to figure in my life decisively later on.
I was always attracted to the Jewish people as early as kindergarten, but I did not know why. I had a lovely Jewish friend named Suzie whom I adored. I remember her to this day.
I started riding horses as a youngster when I begged my parents to let me ride the ponies at Griffith Park in Los Angeles County, CA. Then began a series of lessons which had me studying riding with two of the finest horsemen at the time. One of these was the captain of our Olympic team. The other was a wonderful German cavalry officer who escaped Nazi Germany. My love for the Jew and the horse intersected in my fascination with a book called King of the Wind, a story about a Bedouin boy, a brother to the Jew, and his Arabian horse.
The Jews in My Life
One of my most vivid memories of my Jewish experience was when I was cruising around Westwood Village, CA. I had returned from doing my Ph.d work in Cleveland, Ohio and was staying with my parents at their ranch in Acton, CA . I was brought up in Westwood Village as a child; so I thought I would go back to see how things had changed. I was driving along when my head turned left to capture a glimpse of a sign on a shop which read “Jews for Jesus.” I was amazed and fascinated. “What was that?”, I thought. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a Jew for Jesus. I had concluded they were all against him. Nevertheless, I called the Jews for Jesus office and was directed to a Messianic Jewish synagogue named Beth Emunah. I went there and remember having the most exhilarating worship experience of my life. I was greeted by a friendly gentleman who suggested I sit next to his wife, an attractive Jewish lady. I remember feeling plugged in like someone had turned on the electricity inside me. Thus began a fascination with and love affair with the Jewish roots of the Christian faith, a dedication which continues to this day with a particular focus on Old Testament studies. One of the outgrowths of this passion has been an in-depth study of animal sacrifice as it pertains to atonement in general and Jesus’s offering in particular. I was horrified by it, and for the first time in my life became aware of the enormity of the sacrifice Jesus had made on the cross for his creation.
During this time in my life, I had what I call my “three Jewish dreams,” One of them found me in a Jewish synagogue with a Christmas tree in it.
That God was directing my thoughts and movements through dreams became particularly pronounced in a dream I had of a song. I remembered the melody to the song when I woke up the next morning and was able to pair it with a famous musical. That musical, I discovered, was Phantom of the Opera; the song and its melody came from that musical. I had never heard the song in my life but remembered the melody from my dream. I searched for the sheet music to find the title of the song and the words that went with it. It was the beast singing to Christine as he asked her to let him go with her. It was God’s love letter to me. The title of the song is All I Ask of You.
God and The Horse
I started endurance racing on a wonderful Arabian horse in Almaden, CA. This was after God called me to “Go back to the horse,” a message which came to me literally in my head during what I was experiencing as a very disturbing work environment at Lockheed Martin in Sunnyvale, Ca. I was discouraged by the organizational practices I was confronting and heeded God’s message. By doing so, I was directed to my true and beloved calling as a competitive horseback rider. That’s when I started endurance racing my fabulous white Arabian horse CF Drumsong, Aspen for short. These events were to shape my journey with God and my biblical study.
Almaden is very close to Sunnyvale, being a small horse community just south of San Jose. It was a unique place because there were a couple of wonderful parks dedicated to riding the horse. This is where I was able to practice my craft. The one nearest where I lived and where Aspen and I spent most of our time was Quicksilver with its 25 miles of horse dedicated trails.
It is worthy of note that around the same time, I got another one of these cerebral messages This one said, “It is not yours to give up.” The “it” was intimacy which at the time I vowed to shed from my life, having been discouraged by my relationships with the men I was meeting.
My experience with the horse and my Jewish God came together when I acquired a prayer language unique to my association with Aspen. I got it when I was walking him in hand one morning but lost it when he died. This phenonmenon is also known as “speaking in tongues.”.
The whole “Go Back to the Horse” phenomena has stuck with me throughout my life. As ordained by God, the horse has played a central role in everything I do from my beginnings as a young rider, my competitive experience, and my relationship now with a young rescue. Go to the following link which chronicles my deep expericnce with the horse.http://www.myusefuldressage.com/resume/
Marriage, Stability and Happiness
Despite my initial rebellion against intimacy, God had other plans for me as I eventually met a wonderful man, Ed Swayze, whom I marruied. My horsemanship took off as well when I began showing my excellent horses mainly in dressage but also jumping. I experienced great success on these partners who helped me build my confidence and expertise.
At the same time, Ed and I developed our ranch together and brought in the animals that we love. At one point, along with my goat Marissa whom I had purchased as a friend for Aspen, we had two geese, Qupy and Bouie; 15 chickens, including four wonderful roosters; five dogs, four cats, and two wild birds, Smokey and Dusty. Dusty is with me to this day.
Ed and I also began worshipping at a non-denominational church called the Desert Vineyard in Lancaster, CA. It was here that I had my most direct encounter with God to date. Ed and I were taking a tour of the church when our guide opened the door of the church’s prayer room. I immediately felt a whiff of God rush by like a breeze. It was an after-presence, a sensation I shall never forget. I mentioned to Ed, “God’s been here.”
Ed and I took a wonderful trip to Israel during our membership at the Desert Vineyard. It was here that I was baptized for the third time in the Jordan River. This was a great privilege and an honor. When we returned from our trip, I gave a presentation on what I learned to some of our friends from the Vineyard. This was the beginning of what I now recognize as my personal effort at bringing the Jewish roots of our faith back into the Christian church.
Life After Ed
Ed passed away January 9, 2017, And so marked the end of an era in my life.
When I married Ed, I thought I’m set. No matter what happens this man and I will survive it because he had the skills to enable the animals and I to withstand anything. It is always odd to me that I survived and Ed didn’t. Now I would have to make a go of it on my own minus the man who could suvive anything and could enable me to do so as well. As I look back on Ed’s death from my vantage point now, I’m starting to wonder if God has used this circumstance to strengthen the weak parts of me, the parts that are now learning to survive anything in an increasingly uncertain and threatening world.
For one thing, I have had to become the sole provider for myself and my family of animals in the absence of my husband’s help since he was the main source of our income. I started boarding and training dogs, renting out two properties, and working part time at an animal sanctuary. The sanctuary was thankfully just up the road from my house. Then COVID hit in 2022 which didn’t make things any easier, but there was a government in place at that time that provided assistance . This made it possible for me to withstand the onslaught of disease through the monetary assistance from the government and the advice that was on offer.
In addition to the practical survival skills that were being forged within me, there was a passion that was bringing together my commitment to the Jewish roots of my faith along with my practical experience with and love of animals, most particularly the horse. This was expressed in a serious study of what God said about animals in the Bible, how he felt about them and our role as his imagers. I found an outlet for this passion in a movement called CreatureKind. This is an online Christian movement, promoting compassion for animals in the church. It was started by a Methodist pastor in the UK who developed a course on animals for church congregants. I molded this course into a series of presentations I gave during Lent at my then Lutheran church, St. Stephens in Palmdale. This was in 2022, The presentations covered a number of topics such as how God feels about animals, the existence of animal soul and the responsibility Christianity has towards animals. This effort was part of what I now understand to be a ministry which seeks to bring an awareness of Christian duty towards animals into the church. I was also a presenter at a Lutheran women’s conference. The theme was “passions.” My passion of course, was animals in the Bible. The event I chose to talk about was the story of Balaam’s donkey which occurs in the book of Numbers. The thrust of this story is God’s requirement for the obedience and purity of one’s soul regardless of the species one belongs to.
Supporting these efforts was an invitation my neighbor Marina McNutt and friend Patty Akkad extended to me to attend a theology class given by their pastor at Grace Baptist church in Valencia, CA. This turned out to be a year-long course given once a week at the church with study materials being two large notebooks which I have already reviewed a couple of times since the class, This course helped to cement my understanding of basic Christian theology and doctrine and supported my personal study of the Christian faith presented in my Ryrie Study Bible. This Bible is put out by the Moody Bible Institute.
Co-incident with these events and after my husband’s passing and COVID, I began looking around for a church which might be more animal friendly than what I had encountered in the churches in which I was previously a member. I went back to my Lutheran roots, discovering that the Lutherans had over the years developed a very outward looking posture towards the needs of the earth and the creatures in it.
Back to My Jewish Roots
I started attending St. Stephen’s Lutheran Church in Palmdale, CA . My experience there was quite positive until one day it wasn’t. That experience threw me right back to a tenacious loyalty to the underpinnings of my faith which is its Jewish roots and the Old Testament truths of which it is comprised.
What happened is this: I asked the pastor at St. Stephen’s what he thought about the serpent in Genesis 2 who tempted Adam and Eve. Did he think it was a snake gone rogue, the devil himself, or the devil dissembling as a snake? He told me it didn’t matter because the story was just a myth anyway. I was in disbelief. How was it that a pastor who I thought was supposed to uphold biblical truth say a thing like this? Was he just a one off, or did he represent a dangerous trend that had taken hold in the Lutheran church?
I decided to ask an Episcopal priest who co-pastored at St. Stephen’s what he thought. I was dismayed to find out that he basically believed the same thing. What was going on here? Luther himself said the Bible was the highest written authority of truth on earth. This means historical truth. What had happened to degrade the Bible its place of honor? I talked to a couple of ‘St. Stephen council members to alert them as to what was going on. I wrote them a letter presenting evidence which argued agianst the pastor’s misguided view– presenting, for example, Jesus’s genealogy starting with Adam (Luke 3:23-28), the Apostle Paul’s reference in the New Testament to the serpent and the sin event that brought down the whole cosmos (2 Corinthians 11:3). The answer I got was “We like our pastor.” I talked to yet another pastor who presided over the Palmdale Desert Vineyard about this subject to see if this denial of the Old Testament as truth was a trend across congregations. Unfortunately this seems to be the case at least among the small sample of pastors I spoke to. This Palmdale Vineyard pastor told me that there were stories in the Old Testament that were simply allegory. The example he used was the event of Jonah and the whale; yet Jesus himself makes reference to this story as historical truth, not allegory (Matthew 12:40).
So what is going on here?
What I believe was going on was not only a denial of the Jewish roots of the Christian faith but a dismissal of the work of the supernatural in biblical events. These were the very truths that were drawing me in; yet there had developed a movement to discount them. This movement, according to my friend Karen Wood, had started several decades earlier to reconcile Biblical accounts with Darwin’s theory of evolution which was taking root in public schools. It was a kind of “Lets modify our belief in biblical accounts to coincide with what’s going on in the world to help draw more people in.” I ended up querying our Lutheran bishop about this who told me flatly in an email, “There were parts of the Bible we no longer take literally.” Those “parts,” presumably, were Old Testament accounts of supernatural events that the humanistic view of the world scoffs at. I argued back that this view was not only a lie but an insult to the Jewish people who had meticulously recorded for millennia their experience with God as he revealed himself to them.
Yet Another Change of Churches
I left St. Stephen’s to join a highly conservative non-denominational church in Lancaster, CA. This was a big and unusual step for me as I’m a pro-choice Democrat. Still the most important thing for me was that the pastoral staff view the whole Bible as historical truth. This church did exactly that. Also, one of the pastors was a Jew. This was very appealing to me. Matt Dumas, senior pastor, taught the Bible during his sermons. He brought in the Old Testament quite a lot, which I loved. Additionally, the best Bible class I ever had was on the book of Exodus taught by lay parishioner Matt Alexander. It was a year-long course, every session of which I struggled to attend after working most of the day at Saving Grace animal sanctuary.
So there were many things I liked about this church, but there were some things I didn’t like at all.
For example I didn’t like the church’s anti-choice stance, their policy of not letting women teach men, and a governing structure which was composed of a board of male elders, no women, who occupied their positions for life. The latter was extremely unhealthy from my standpoint as it guaranteed a lack of accountability for these men in leadership positions. Furthermore, the fact that women couldn’t teach men made it such that there was no opportunity for me to make a contribution.
The anti-choice stance became especially untenable for me when the director of women’s ministries initiated a public prayer in front of the whole congregation asking God to protect unborn babies. First of all it is my position that they’re not babies yet because they don’t have life or soul. They are fetuses which contain the potential for life. Life comes when God blows his breath into the body at birth. This soul or nephesh is thus bestowed by God, not humans. as revealed in the Bible in Genesis 2:7 .
I communicated this to the women’s ministries director being careful not to offend her, knowing that persons who subscribe to the anti-choice stance feel as passionately about their position as I do mine.
The director was very gracious as she listened to my argument. I was beginning to think that maybe I changed her mind when a couple of weeks later I got a letter in the mail from her listing three pages of Bible verses which she believed proved her point–that life begins at conception and fetuses are babies. Among them were verses which described how God foreknew Jeremiah and David in the womb, the idea being that that’s where life originates. To my way of thinking, God can foreknow individuals for special duty before they are born, but that still does not weaken the fact that their life comes from God’s breath at birth as stated in Genesis. A fully adult conscious woman thus has the right to abort the fetus before birth if it threatens her well being or has serious medical issues of its own.
I pointed this out to the director in my reply to her and closed by saying that she and I could disagree all day long over Bible verses. The fact of the matter is that regardless of one’s religious persuasion, the so-called anti-choice stance is having disastrous consequences for fully alive adult women in the legislation which is resulting from it.
Death of My Stallion and Significant Writing as a Result
This death came a few years after that of my husband. It was excruciating, significant and led me on quest for a deeper understanding of God and his ways which is why I mention it here. I wrote an article discussing my experience which appears on this website. It is entitled How God Transforms Suffering Into Hope. You can see it here.
By way of summary, this transformation, I discovered, happens through Jesus himself and Jesus in us. The writing of the article has been a very significant accomplishment because it hastened my healing and helped me develop a theology of animals — important to myself as well as others who question God’s relationship to the non-human creatures he created.
Synchronicity
I have found that I am very sensitive to God’s timing. I look back over my life and peruse what’s happening to me now and understand that God fits things in quite beautifully, synchronizing one’s life events with the events of the time in which s/he is living.
This brings me to the phenomena of synchronicity. One thing I relaized during my whole experience with my stallion, his life and his death , is that God doesn’t leave us in the dust. He provides even when it feels as though we have been left all alone. Synchronicity is one way in which God reveals himslef during these times. It is the juxtaposition of ordinary events in an extraordinary way which could only happen by supernatural means. In my case, I was looking for another horse that was similar to Sonyador. I called several rescues, one of which was Letty Guttilla’s Wild Sage Horse Rescue. I asked her if she ever got in any Andalusians. She said she never did, but she would let me know if that changed. Well, it did. A couple of days later she called me and said she just got in an Andalusian stallion. Was I still interested? I said a resounding yes and started a new journey with my beautiful gray Andalusian horse, Centenario or Nario for short.
But just because God doesn’t leave one in the dust, doesn’t mean he’s going to make things any easier for you. My work with Nario has turned out to be quite a challenge for me. I’m used to a straight line of achievement with my past horses. Not so with this guy. Firstly, he is blind in one eye probably from being hit in the face. He was also badly handled from the time he was a young foal on. The expressions of this are cribbing and pacing up and down the fence line of his corral. Finally, he is very nippy quite possibly as a result of having been weaned too early and rushed into work. Still he is beautiful, sweet and is responding to our training. In fact, he has become a different horse during the time he has been at my ranch.
On the other side of this, it is clear to me that working with Nario has exposed some glaring gaps in my horsemanship. So the Lord has not only given me a blessing but has provided a path for me to build on my expertise. I am learning new skills which though frustrating for me, I’m grateful to learn. My goal has always been to be an accomplished horsewoman as well as rider. I have always prayed for God to continue to build on my championship riding and excellent horsemanship. Nario was his answer.
I must mention that my former coach and trainer Dave Johnston generously gave me $4,000 towards Nario’s adoption and training. This has allowed me to start our process with Joel Sheridan providing the necessary coaching and support.
At Present
As of this writing, 1/2/25 Thursday, I am a member of Hope Lutheran chrurch in Canyon Country. It is a delightful small church that harkens back to my upbringing. I am a reader there and spice up my contribution with historical background, interpretation and context of the verses that I’m responsible for that week. What I am doing here is teaching the Jewish roots of the Christian faith to others, a goal and a necessity that I am now able to bring to fruition. I also see this as a place where I can bring back my classes on animals in the Bible and branch out into teachings on the history of Israel. I also attend a 7th Day Adventist church here in Acton when I can. They serve a wonderful vegan potluck after church, and the people are lovely.
My ministries include my writing, teaching, my training of a wonderful Irish-setter type dog and his owner, work with my beautiful Nario and my witness. Regarding the latter, my employer at the animal sanctuary at which I work part time asked me what my experience of God was outside the Bible.
I had a lot to say.